


Tony and his pet cat save the universe

by ElyseB



Category: Cats & Dogs (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alien/Human Relationships, Alternate Universe - Crack, BAMF Tony Stark, Cats, Demigods, Explicit Language, F/M, Nick Fury is Not Amused, Parent Tony Stark, Past Jane Foster/Thor, Pregnant Pepper Potts, Thanos (Marvel) Dies, Tony-centric, Troll Tony Stark, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:00:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24393925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElyseB/pseuds/ElyseB
Summary: Tony has a pet cat. Crack!Cross posted on my fanfic account era-romance.
Relationships: Carol Danvers & Tony Stark, Darcy Lewis/Thor, Nick Fury & Tony Stark, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark
Comments: 25
Kudos: 135
Collections: Rendys cats stories





	Tony and his pet cat save the universe

**Author's Note:**

> Alright any fans of Jane Foster my not like this fic, she is mentioned in one paragraph but I really dont like her, so yeah. Also, while violence isn't actually depicted persay, it is heavily and obviously implied so there's that. Also, language! I dont actually use much in way of profanity in my daily life but this work is full of it so those who dont like uttered vulgarities really won't like this fic. Just a warning.
> 
> disclaimer: I own nothing...any quotes made from the marvel movies etc will be referenced. this is a total crack fic so yah, dont be too hard on me, k? Just a plot bunny that popped I to my head that I HAD to get out.
> 
> Another note: ' .... ' indicates typing, " ... " indicates spoken language. Hope that clears up any misunderstandings lol

"Tony?" Stephan says, looking at his friend - sort of? Not really, but whatever - incredulity shining in his eyes.

"What?"

"Uhhh...what's with the cat?"

"He's my...lucky charm aren't ya, ya little cutie you."

"Purrrrrr"

"He wandered into the tower the other day and adopted Pepper and me so...we kept him. He's special, aren't you, sweetie? He saved Pepper and Spiderkid from a vulture dude a few weeks back by scratching his eyes out so safe to say he's sticking around, aren't you my little furry bodyguard, you."

"Mroww."

"Right...more importantly, I suppose, do you think we should hook up this guy with a plastic surgeon or two...or a team of them really. Maybe a hair dresser while we're at it?"

"Strange, nothing on Earth could make that," Stark points at the descending alien clothed in a really ugly dress, "look any better. Nothing."

"True."

"Hear me, and rejoice. You are about to die at the hand of the children of Thanos. Be thankful, that your meaningless lives are now contributed to the balance...(1)"

"I’m sorry, Earth is closed today. You better pack it up, and get out of here (1)." Tony quipped, setting the cat on his armored shoulder. "By the by, who are you exactly? Is there an aquarium out there looking for its genetically modified squid by chance? Some call plant and wild life, would ya?"

"I am Ebony Maw. Stonekeeper, does this chattering animal speak for you?(1)" Maw asks, face blank of expression despite the annoyance the being was obviously feeling.

"Certainly not, I speak for myself. And you're trespassing in this cityand on this planet. (1)"

"He means get lost, Squidward.(1)"

"I think not. Now, back to my epic speech that I have said to numerous people before slaughtering them. Where was I? Right! Hear me, and rejoice. You -"

"You said that already," Tony interrupts, covering a yawn before reaching up to scratch the purring cat between its ears.

"Right. You may think this is suffering. No... it is salvation. The universal scales tip- (1)"  
"Nope," Tony snarks, watching amusedly as the sorcerer next to him facepalms. "Said that too."

"Tony, just let the evil alien squid finish its speech. Please?" Strange sighs looking on as Tony's cat slithers down from its perch, into Tony's arms. The sorcerer sighed exasperated as the billionaire cradled the cat, rubbing its belly as it purred loudly.

"Fine, fine. Well, Squidward? We're waiting."

"Know what? Fuck this and fuck you! Cull, Proxima, Glaive! Kill them all! Ggahghh..."

"Tony?"

"Yes, Strange?"

"Did your cat just eat the aliens whole?!"

"I told you he was special."

"Burp."

...

All quotes (1) came from Avengers: Inifinity Wars

...

"Tony."

"Yes, Fury?"

"Mind explaining how you got your hands on a flerken?"

"whats a flerkan?"

"The cat currently laying on your lap moron."

"I take offence to that. Anywho, Patches here wandered into the tower the other day and I couldn't be bothered to get him to leave. Plus, I'm pretty sure Pepper's pregnant so I refuse to go against her ruling that pets are suddenly an okay thing to have in the tower. And somehow beet ice cream with bacon on top has become an acceptable snack... Besides, Patches has grown on me and will be the perfect body guard for our kid once he or she arrives."

"Right...good luck with that."

Fury walks out of the penthouse, scrambling for the pager his ALWAYS kept on him. If this wasn't a world ending event, nothing was. Fuck alien invasions and Nazis and killer robots and 'heroes' who said fuck you to over a hundred nations worldwide, a flerken infestation was a problem, capital P. Exclamation point.

...

"Stark."

Tony looks at the giant purple alien standing in his penthouse, almost exactly where the pit Hulk and Loki had left in his floor had resided years before. Slowly he stood, moving in front of the couch where Pepper was nursing their beautiful newborn daughter.

"You must be Thanos," Tony states, recalling what the Guardians and remaining Asgardians had told him of the being now standing in front of him. Patches, their black and white 'cat', who had stuck around after 'meeting' the black order (heh, meeting, eating, same dif, right?), hopped up into his arms. "I'd say it's a pleasure, but it really isn't."

"You will give me what I want Terran, or-"

"Yeah, yeah. Bad guy saying bad guy things. Blah blah blah. I only have one thing to say."

"And what's that?"

"Giant grape, meet Patches."

"Wha-guchk"

"Glup"

"Good kitty."

...

"Danvers, meet Stark. Stark, Captain Carol Danvers."

"Oh, you look familiar. Why do you look familiar? And why are you glowing? Never mind that...oh, right! You're the pilot that went down with Wendy in that experimental aircraft back when. Thought you were dead...then again dead people seem to be popping up like daisies now days. Roger's, Barnes, Fury, Coulson, Loki, now you. Really shouldn't be surprised any more. So what can I do for you and the one-eyed bandit, Captain?"

"Well, I was going to ask how you got your hands on Goose but that isn't the flerken I know so...yeah, I got nothing. So you knew Wendy?"

"More accurately Rhodey, Colonel James Rhodes that is, is Maria Rambeau's cousin. She introduced Rhodey to Wendy and, when your program needed funding that the government wasn't willing to provide, they brought it to me. Wendy's plans looked interesting so I said I'd look into it. I was actually due to pop in to see how you lot were doing but, well, your aircraft went down a few days before I could. It's long overdue but I am sorry for your loss and am happy you survived. Even if you glow now? What's with that?"

"We were shot down, had to blow the engine before the alien that shot us could get it. I absorbed the energy. Got kidnapped, spent a decade thinking my name was Vers and that I was kree due to amnesia. Got back to Earth eventually, kicked Kree ass, and have spent the last decade saving the universe from idiots."

"Wow...that sucks."

"It really does. Anyway, the flerken?"

"Right. After the pirate stopped by I did a DNA test to see what the hell he was talking about - I just thought some moron had gone really wild with genetic experimentation. Anyway, Patches here is a hybrid, half Earth variety cat - a Maine Coon and American Short hair mix actually - half alien...so a flerken. Basically, Fury or Wendy really should've had Goose...it was Goose right or did I hear that wrong? No? Wow, naming a cat after its prey... and I thought I was dark. Whatever. Anyway, they should've had her spayed if they didnt want half flerken cats running around Earth. Evidently they can breed with Earth cats and their descendants keep their alien trait...who knew right?

In other news Fury, you hear that Thor accidentally knocked up Dr. Fosters assistant, you remember her right? Apparently S.H I.E.L.D. still owes her an IPOD after confiscating it with Fosters work back when. Anyway Darcy, that's the assistant, and Thor got together after an epic relationship breakdown due to Fosters cheating on him with not one, not two, but three guys at the same time, one of which was Darcys ex-boyfriend aka the S.H.I.E.L.D. agent you set on her to collect info about Fosters work. Yeah, that happened. Darcy and Thor actually make a cute couple. I was at the hand-fasting...it was a nice change of pace...before those dark elf guys crashed it. Luckily, Patches here took them out tout de suite."

"Right..."

...

3 years later

'So...Patches hmmm?'

'It's a name. Not like Goose is much better mum. anyways I like it here with Tony, Pepper, Morgan and that spider kid that hangs around a lot. You wouldn't believe half the stuff I get to eat hanging around here - did I tell you about the human who wanted to assassinate Tony for, I quote, 'ruining his plans for world domination', unquote. What was his name again, hoss, moss, toss...right Ross, that's it! Tasted gross but Tony gave me soooooooo much catnip for that. Oooh, oooh, how bout those giant squirrel bots that Doom guy sent - spicy but yummy! Anyway, how are things on your end?'

'Good, good. Glad you're enjoying yourself kiddo. The humans seem to be treating us the way they should...they feed us, groom us, pet us, and generally serve our every whim. Now it only I could convince Fury to get rid of our nemesis, we could complete our objective of ruling over this species, like our kind did in the old days. How I miss Egypt. Your sisters say hello by the way. All forty of them, plus their kits. When are your going to give me grand-kits?! Your sister have had several litters, each!'

'When I meet a nice she-cat to settle down with. I'm no Thomas O'Mally (2). Say hi back. So, what will we do after conquering mankind? You never did say.'

'Nothing. We go on as usual, humans already worship us so we have a leg up on those Asgardian twerps. I just want to get rid of those annoying canine pests. I hate dogs.'

'You're crazy mum, but I love you anyway. Got to go, Tony will be back at any moment; cant have him catching on to our intelligence, can we?'

...

Disclaimer: foot note (2). I do not own Disney's Aristocats. Duh.

...

"Patches, how's your mom?" Tony says, plopping down at the computer desk next to his pet? friend? ruler? Whatever, he is so beyond caring anymore. "Still believing that flerkens will rule the world once she gets rid of dogs?"

'Same old same old,' Patches types with his paws, breathing out a kitty sigh. 'How she thought I could infiltrate without you noticing something was up is beyond me. She is getting up there in age I guess...4600 human years is a long time to live I suppose. Allow her her delusions of grandeur and she won't eat every human she sees...probably.'

"Good kitty. I have to go pick up some beet flavored ice cream for Pepper...pretty sure she's pregnant again. She's in denial. Want to come along? They have cat nip flavored gelato. I checked."

'You know it.'

**Author's Note:**

> alright guys. thanks for reading. let me know what you think k? XD


End file.
